Once again, I combine the hilarity of Maxine and my own brand of funny.
For years I had the habit of watching a particular type of TV show just before rolling over. The programs included Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, and reruns of The Odd Couple and Murphy Brown. My all time favorite was Faulty Towers with the comic genius of John Cleese.
My daughter once commented, “Mom, I could hear you laughing all the way down the hall.”
“It’s good for your mental health to laugh just before going to sleep.”
Of course, I never told her that her father always gave me a good laugh before sleeping.
On to a darker comic side of Viola and her cast of misfits.
From “The Human Gnat” …
Fifty weeks a year, Josephine Napoli lived in a strange place called Brooklyn. The other two weeks each year, her parents sent her and her siblings to spend time in the fresh air of the country. Because it was good for them, because they wanted their children to get away from the bad influences on the streets of their neighborhood in Brooklyn, and because mom and dad needed a rest.
Not caring for this forced exile from her home turf, Josephine, or as most of the family called her, Josie, made it her mission each day to be as erasable and annoying as humanly possible without any of the adults in her life causing her permanent physical damage. Josie was a kin to living with a small gnat, who for some un-Godly reason never settles on any hard surface so you can happily squash it, is fond of flitting in your peripheral vision, and the moment you turn, the damn thing vanishes.
She was a small, spry girl with a long ponytail and crooked feet, crooked feet that could run faster and longer than any boy in Bath Beach, and could peddle on any bike from the endless supply of bikes left in her cousins’ garages..
Up and down the Hudson River, Josephine’s extended family totaled, twelve first cousins and forty-two second cousins. Five of them were within her age, and not a one shared her desire to escape the open fields and the sloping hills near their houses on the right side of town. Unlike their Brooklyn cousin, they rode their bikes along safe country roads, never rode to Main Street without adult supervision, and to a one, never rode the length of Main Street, careening down other hills on the wrong side of town.
On this sunny summer day, Josie skipped out on lunch with the folks and pointed her roadster towards Main Street. Without a single thought and absolutely no guilt, she rode her bike to Lucy’s store looking for Viola. Aunt Lucille was on her perch behind the counter, her chubby fingers busy stacking quarters.
Josie shouted in the door. “Aunt Lucille, where’s Viola?”
She looked over her glasses and barked, “It’s long past lunch and she ain’t here.”
Josie backed out of the door. “Mind me, you little pest. When I get my hands on that girl, she’ll be as sorry as sin; that I can tell you.”
Not ready to tangle with the big lady, Josie closed the door and took one spin around the block. On the return, she saw her cousin and Billy Conway in the doorway of a house across the street. Billy was rubbing himself against Viola, their lips locked. As Josie glided by and found a better angle for snooping, she saw Viola’s skirt was up to her waist and her panties were around her ankles. She had seen all the pictures of the thing in the books her brother hid under his mattress. But to see it up close and personal, and standing, was more than she ever believed possible.
She put her foot on the ground to keep the bike from rolling and watched as Billy continued pushing up against Viola’s body. Viola had a big smile on her face and kept running her hands through his long blonde locks.
Josie thought Billy wasn’t much to look at but she guessed Viola really liked him because she kept smiling and meeting each of his movements. He pushed in and then back, then again back and forth getting faster and faster, until he finally stopped and put his head on Viola’s shoulder. In the next instant he did a quick check, zipped his pants and patted her cousin on the head. Josie let the bike fall and bent down behind a parked car.
When she looked again, Billy was gone and Viola was pushing her hair back. Then she hoisted her panties, pulled down her skirt, and checking in both directions, came out of the doorway into the sun with a big grin on her face. Josie was certain it wouldn’t be a good idea for her cousin to see her, so she waited until Viola was down the hill and around the corner to Lucy’s before she moved again.
She counted one-Mississippi ten times before she pulled into the back of the store. Beyond the back door, she heard a slapping sound. And after each slapping sound, she heard the sound of her cousin yowling in pain. Josie guessed Viola was getting a bad licking.
She crouched low and inched towards the door of the first storeroom to get a better view. Viola was bent over, her bare bottom exposed, and Aunt Lucille, actually on her feet, stood behind her wielding a thick barber strap.
Josie registered that Viola’s panties were once again around her ankles, but this time she wasn’t having such a good time. She remained frozen in place as again and again the strap came down on her cousin’s bottom. When Aunt Lucille could no longer lift her arm, she threw the belt and yelled. “Hang it back up so it’s good and handy for the next time.” And she waddled out of the room.
Viola wiped her eyes, pulled her panties up for the second time, fixed her skirt and picked up the strap.
She counted to twenty this time and then pulled her bike out of the storeroom. After one more revolution around the block, she went into the store. Aunt Lucille was back at her post busy with a huge platter of food. Josie wiggled her fingers to her cousin. “Hi, Viola.” Then to her aunt. “Hi, Aunt Lucille.”
“If it isn’t the pest again.” Lucille wagged a finger behind her. “One of these days I’m gonna tan your hide.”
Jose spied the barber strap hanging behind her aunt and grinned. “You’d have to catch me first, Aunt Lucille.”
What classic movie or TV show is a sure hit to make you laugh?
And who … pray tell … is your favorite comic writer?
fOIS In The City